The Folly Times
Absurd headlines, political mockery, and the not news you didn’t know you needed.
Should Flags Ever Go Back Up? Trump Says No, Calls Half-Mast ‘More Patriotic’
Trump orders U.S. flags to fly permanently at half-mast, claiming it shows strength and respect. Critics call it confusing and absurd.
Latest Headlines
Politics
Trump Declares DOT ‘Woke,’ Rebrands It as the ‘Department of Trump’
Trump scraps the Department of Transportation name in favor of his own brand, claiming the bold rebrand will cut costs and “make roads great again.” Expect toll plazas with gold trim and loyalty…
Trump Says New ‘Rose Garden Club Needs Girls and More of Those Good Old Epstein Vibes’
Trump unveiled his “Rose Garden Club” with senators and donors, then ruined the ambiance by joking about Epstein like it was open mic night.
Trump’s Secret FBI Codename ‘Big Mac’ Revealed in Botched Donnie BrascTrump Epstein Sting
Republicans now claim Donald Trump’s secret FBI codename was “Big Mac,” and his undercover Epstein mission collapsed when he asked for more ketchup.
Trump Axes Airline Compensation Rule — Passengers Now Paid in Thoughts and Prayers
Stranded fliers hoping for compensation can now count on prayer instead. The administration says spiritual growth is more valuable than sandwiches, though both remain overpriced.
U.S.
Trump’s U.S. Open Appearance to Be Edited Like North Korean Broadcast: Just Cheers, No Boos
The U.S. Open told broadcasters to censor boos, chants, or protests during Trump’s appearance, turning a tennis final into something closer to state television.
Kristi Noem’s Rolex Costs More Than Every Inmate’s Commissary Balance Combined
Kristi Noem wore a $50K Rolex while threatening inmates at the new “Louisiana Lockup” ICE facility. Her luxury accessory outshined even the prison floodlights.
Pentagon Rebrand to ‘War’ Expected to Save $350.56 in Letterhead Costs
Trump insists “defense” was too woke, renaming the Pentagon to the Department of War. Officials highlight $350.56 in savings on government letterhead ink.
RFK Jr’s Brain Worm Delivers Stronger Testimony Than RFK Jr
Senate hearings are supposed to reveal the truth, but nobody expected it to come from a parasite freeloading in Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s head. The worm spoke with authority while its host fumbled,…
World
Global Shoppers Punish U.S. Over Trump Tariffs, Finally Try Jeans That Fit
Levi’s, Coke, and McDonald’s are watching foreign customers abandon them in droves. Trump calls it winning, but the rest of the world calls it “finally upgrading.”
Sources Confirm Xi, Putin, Kim Were Actually Discussing Which Trump Golf Course Has Best Buffet
Donald Trump accused Xi, Putin, and Kim of conspiring against America during a Beijing parade. Sources say they were simply debating which Trump golf course buffet had the best crab legs.
Trump Says U.S. Skipped Summit Because ‘We Already Have Costco, Much Bigger Than SCO’
Trump dismisses Xi’s biggest diplomatic event as “Costco without muffins” while world leaders eat stale canapés.
Russia Bombs US-Owned Factory in Ukraine, Trump Calls It “Strong Negotiating Energy”
Days after shaking hands in Alaska, Putin sent missiles at an American-owned factory in Ukraine. Trump called it “leverage,” proving peace talks may now include heavy bombing.
Health
Death Still Number One Way to Avoid COVID, but Common Cold Comes in a Respectable Second, Researchers Say
Scientists discover your runny nose is more useful than two years of hoarded Lysol wipes. Still, experts note death remains a more permanent solution.
Joe Rogan Endorses New Fitness Plan: Screaming Until You’re Shredded
Joe Rogan has launched the loudest fitness plan in history: yelling your way to peak performance. Supporters say it’s primal. Critics say it’s noise pollution. Rogan says it’s science.
Finance
Intel Surges After Trump Says Government Will “Draft It in the First Round”
Trump treats the stock market like the NFL Draft, and Intel just went first overall.
Trump Says Powell’s Office Upgrade Is ‘Fireable Offense’ — Also Demands Gold Toilet in White House Bathrooms
Trump calls Powell’s $2.5B Fed remodel a fireable offense, then demands a gold toilet and velvet bidet for the White House.
Entertainment
Disguised Druski Blends In at NASCAR, Accidentally Becomes MAGA Hero
Druski went undercover at NASCAR in full white face and denim overalls, but the skit went too well. Fans mistook him for a local leader and accidentally promoted him to precinct captain.
Disney Quietly Hires Furries, Says They’re the Only Ones Who Actually Enjoy Sweating Inside a Giant Mouse Suit
Disney leans into chaos, turning theme parks into a cross between Comic-Con and a litter box.
Beastie Boys Sued After Brass Monkey Found to Be Just a Hungover Lemur in Costume
Fans file suit after learning the “brass monkey” wasn’t brass, funky, or a monkey
Netflix Accidentally Uploads Billy Madison 3 in Place of Happy Gilmore 2, Nation Doesn’t Notice for Eight Hours
Netflix accidentally uploaded Billy Madison 3 instead of Happy Gilmore 2. America didn’t notice until hour eight.
Folly Finds
Deals for People Who Think Jeff Bezos Is Watching Them Through the Microwave
Are you tired of buying toilet paper and surveillance in the same box? Do you break out in hives when you see a smiley arrow that looks like it knows your browser history?…
The “You’re Officially Old Now” Starter Pack
Welcome to the age where your back goes out more than you do. Whether you’re in denial, icing your knee from a “weird sleeping injury,” or genuinely excited about home warranties, this collection…
4th of July Survival Guide: Essentials for the Patriotically Panicked
Whether you’re scared of fireworks, family, or just the existential fragility of democracy, here’s what you need to barely survive Independence Day — with your dignity singed, but still intact. What Makes This List…
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Lifestyle
Math Professor Confirms You’re More Likely to Be Mauled by a Bear Riding a Shark During a Lightning Storm Than Win Lottery
The Powerball jackpot is nearly a billion, but your odds of winning are lower than being mauled by a bear riding a shark. Statisticians confirm life is basically a cosmic prank show.
Tony Robbins Sues AI Clones for Offering Motivation Without Making You Walk on Fire
Tony Robbins is suing AI bots for offering motivation without a $3,000 seminar or mandatory fire walk, claiming emotional and financial theft.
Retired Man Now Begins Every Day by Fixing Something That Wasn’t Broken
Harold Menzies begins every day by fixing household items that aren't broken. His wife, Marlene, has started hiding tools in self-defense.
Local Man Refuses to Use Self-Checkout, Demands Human Eye Contact
A Midwestern man sparks a checkout standoff after demanding old-school cashier service, emotional validation, and sustained eye contact.
Education
Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes
Parents celebrate the return of silence as children head back to school and immediately run out of energy.
“America First” Teacher Exam Requires New York and California Educators to Prove Trump Won in 2020
Oklahoma adds political loyalty test for out-of-state teachers
Law
Trump Federalizes DC Police Days After ‘Big Balls’ Beating, Conspiracy Theorists Smell a MAGA-Staged Masterpiece
After ‘Big Balls’ was beaten in DC, Trump took control of the police in record time — some say it was all part of the show.
Congress Cheers D.C. Police Takeover, Says It’s About Time Escorts Could Get Home Without Getting Robbed by “Real Criminals”
Trump’s federal takeover of DC’s police force has Congress celebrating, saying their escorts can now arrive without running into “real criminals” — though some note the biggest crooks still sit in the chambers.
Family
Mom Says “We’re Leaving in 5 Minutes,” Secretly Begins 45-Minute Exit Process
Local mom’s “five minute” warning accidentally triggers 45-minute departure marathon while dad stands silently holding keys.
Woman Hospitalized After Husband Says ‘Sydney Sweeney Can Fit In These, So Can You’
A MAGA husband is under fire after insisting his wife could fit into Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle jeans. The incident ended in tears, paramedics, and a denim boycott.
Newly Married Couple Adds Third Throw Pillow, Marriage Officially in Trouble Already
The honeymoon is over, and so is marital peace, after one couple introduces a third decorative pillow into their living room.
Biologists Classify JD Vance’s Jog as New Species of Flightless Flail
Vice President JD Vance’s strange Disneyland jog has been classified as a new species of movement, somewhere between a duckling and a haunted marionette.
Tech
Man Hospitalized After ChatGPT Mistakes ‘Salt Substitute’ for ‘Industrial Pool Cleaner’
A man’s quest for a healthier diet took a turn for the toxic after ChatGPT suggested swapping table salt for a pool cleaner ingredient.
AOL Finally Pulls Plug on Dial-Up, Forcing 160,000 Americans to Rejoin This Century
After 30 years, AOL is ending dial-up internet. About 160,000 Americans will now have to log on without a busy signal.
Sports
Love Story Turns Tragedy: Chiefs Offense Collapses After Kelce Proposes to Taylor Swift
The Chiefs’ Week 1 collapse had less to do with football and more to do with a love story that turned into a fumble. Taylor Swift’s engagement to Travis Kelce has Kansas City…
Coworker Who Doesn’t Watch Football Somehow Drafts Perfect Fantasy Roster Again
Every fantasy league has one: the coworker who doesn’t watch football, couldn’t name a single defensive player, and still wins. This year, Kevin’s back to terrorize his office with another perfect draft.
Celebrities
Taylor Swift Engaged to Travis Kelce: NFL Approves Deal After Reviewing Salary Cap Implications
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement isn’t just a love story — it’s an NFL roster transaction complete with cap space concerns, signing bonus debates, and fans questioning the prenup structure.
D-List Actor Who Played Superman 30 Years Ago Now Arresting Real People for “Fun”
Former Superman D-List actor Dean Cain has joined ICE to help deport migrants, sparking confusion, concern, and absolutely zero Emmy buzz.
Doctor Admits 90% of Celebrity Lyme Cases Just Coincide With Tabloid Emergencies
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”
New Romance Sparks Concern Among Friends as Jennifer Aniston Allegedly Believes She’s a Golden Retriever
Jennifer Aniston’s new romance takes an unexpected turn as she reportedly believes she’s a Golden Retriever thanks to her hypnotist boyfriend. Friends are deeply confused but cautiously supportive.
Science
Asteroid Expected to Slam Moon, End 5,000-Year Streak of Nothing Happening Up There
Scientists say asteroid YR4 may strike the moon in 2032, finally giving it something to do besides ruining werewolf bar mitzvahs.
New Study Says Weed Deadly — Experts Unsure If Just Really Really High or Just Paranoid
A massive medical study links marijuana use to increased heart attack and stroke risk, but critics say the researchers may just be very, very paranoid. Again.
Business
Trump Pushes for U.S. to Buy 10% Stake in Cracker Barrel: “America Needs More Biscuit Futures”
Trump wants America to take a 10% stake in Cracker Barrel just like Intel. In his words, biscuits are “a matter of national security.” The plan involves rocking chairs, gravy bonds, and a…
Trump: ‘Intel Gave Me 10%. Now I Want the Other 90% of Their Secrets’
Trump claimed victory after America purchased 10% of Intel. Then he demanded the remaining 90%, mistaking semiconductors for secret dossiers.
Dear Folly
Dear Folly: Help! I Can Hear My Neighbor Masturbating and It Kind of Turns Me On
A concerned (and slightly aroused) reader writes in after discovering her neighbor’s solo sessions are… oddly compelling. Dear Folly weighs in with deeply…
Dear Folly: My Husband Thinks Watching Survivor Means He Can Now Make All Household Decisions
Woman writes in after her husband tries to “vote out” doing the dishes following Survivor finale.
Dear Folly: The Perplexing Chirp of Love
Dear Folly, I find myself in quite the conundrum and I'm hoping you can shed some light on my situation. You see, my…
Hello There!
The Folly Times – your go to source for news that doesn’t take itself too seriously because, let’s face it, the world is absurd enough already. We specialize in scoops of satire, slivers of sarcasm, and dollops of dry humor, with a hint of dad jokes all layered into a cake of cutting-edge commentary.
So go ahead, explore our laughable lexicon of “news” that’s so outlandish, it could almost be true — maybe one day…
